This is my accountability journal about my journey quitting Nicotine after being a smoker for the last 15 years. The following content is probably full of typos and have bad grammar, it’s my train of thoughts and feeling that I will slowly review and fix in the process.
History with Nicotine
I tried to stop smoking a couple of time with the help of substitute but I failed both times. I must add that I didn’t have any urgent reason, or external pressure, to stop. It was a personnal decision taken a little bit lightly that stupider younger me felt was not that big of a deal. I went from smoking regular cigarettes to roll my own. In a attempt to make the process harder on myself. Eventually I became a pretty fast cigarette roller and actually I was spending less money than before!
Then 2 years ago I finnaly tried Vaping to “quit smoking”. The transition was pretty easy for me, I quickly threw away my tobacco and completly switch to Vaping in 2 days. The goal was to reduce the Nicotine level in my e-liquid to eventually quit vaping. But every attempt to go under 6mg/ml for me failed miserably. Under that amount, I felt that I needed to smoke more to compensate.
My reasons to quit
My reasons are a combination of long term goals and short term imperatives. Firstly I want to stop for my health generally, better breathing, better at the gym, etc… Also I don’t like to be addicted and feeling withdrawal as soon as my car travel is taking more than 20min, I don’t even talk a bout 2h train or an 11h flight! I don’t like how I take my vaping device everywhere I go, in the car, taking the garbage out, taking out the dog, cannot leave without it and I don’t remember it being the same with regular cigarettes before.
Vaping is so easily accessible that I feel like I am smoking all the time, also I choose fruity and minty perfumes, and now I LIKE vaping! It’s so much better now than when I was rolling my own blond cigarettes…
Looking back at it I think vaping may also have terrible effects on me. Time to stop.
The other reason is that we plan to travel end of the year in South East Asia. A big destination we want to visit, to maybe live there later, is Singapor! And guess what? Vaping is totally banned in Singapor, not just in public, it is forbidden to bring the device itself also! Nicotine gums are olso prohibited so I will have to quit cold turkey before going there.
That’s it, these are my short term imperative and long term goals. So yesterday I spent a long time looking Youtube motiviation channel for quitting Vaping and I found a lot of good stuff. So I decided to start the next day (today, 12 Sept 2023)!
Day 1 - 12 Sept 2023
Feeling pretty bad already! Through my research yesterday I found out that the Nicotine withdrawal really kicks in hard from Day 3 but I already feel pretty bad. I am supposed to be working today, but the foggy brain is making it difficult, irritability is very present and my coworkers are annoying me much faster than usual, this led me to excuse myself (I left with a “sorry i have to go”) out of the daily meeting before the end.
I am very irritable, sometimes sad, and then suddenly after a strong craving I feel this state of hapiness, calmness or bliss lasting for one or two minutes. A feeling similar to indulging into my nicotine craving by finally having a puff! But instead, I didn’t do anything, and just waited for the symptoms to fade away.
Hunger was annoying all day, or it may be that I am coping with the withdrawal by eating. Symptoms are very similar to the flu.
Relationships with my girlfriend were complicated, she had a very bad day and was in need of venting away her problems for a moment. She knew that I would be irritable but initially I responded well to the start of the conversation. Then I slowly began to loose patience, be irritated and spit out criticism without filter with a random level of truth. Sometimes I would want to hurt because I felt hurt, sometimes I just didn’t want to take the time to think about what I was saying as I usually do.
Day 2 - 13 Sept 2023
Strangely I woke up today feeling better than yesterday. From the copious amount of Youtube I watched before, I was expecting to feel worse and worse every day for the first 3 days. I am still irritable but I feel a little bit more in control. The cravings are still there but I can manage them, these were strong during the working hours, morning and evening cravings were manageable.
I was coughing a lot, I think it is my lungs cleaning themselves.
Relationship with my girlfriend is the hardest part, she’s going through a lot of stress herself and I cannot be 100% supportive, I have less empathy so I confront her without care on problem I think she’s having. This bluntness may sound nice but it often lead to unfiltered train of thoughts that are not always true and can be hurtful for no reason just because we didn’t think enough before talking. I caught myself today resenting her for having problems and getting me caught in her problems leading to us arguing and me stressing. Even if in reality she never asked me anything, I am just projecting my own stress on her. I am not proud of this and it is spiraling me into self loathing.
The evening and night were better, I was hungry but for now I can continue my intermittent fasting.
Day 3 - 14 Sept 2023
Heavy headache as I woke up on day 3, sleep was heavy and foggy. My attempt to sleep through the headache didn’t work so I just got up and took a cold shower. I am still coughing a lot.
After sunrise, talking to my wife and the first coffee of the day I already felt better. I am slowly realizing how connected my life is to nictotine. I used to smoke to enhance emotions, to celebrate, to relax, to concentrate, to calm-down, etc… Even things I would enjoy would not be totally enjoyable without adding a little smoke.
Realizing that made me sad but also gave me courage to continue, I don’t want to live and behave like that.
Day 8 - 19 Sept 2023
The headaches aren’t here anymore, physically it is already much easier now. I am still coughing a lot, I think it is my lungs cleaning themselves. Difficult parts are not smoking when a little stress from life comes up or when I want to “reward” myself after a session of deep-work or achieving something I am very proud of. Again, I am realizing that I associated Nicotine as a reward, a stress relief, a way to enhance emotions, etc… I am slowly learning to live without it.
Day 15 - 26 Sept 2023
This is the 2 week mark. Physical symptoms of withdrawal are totally gone, and I begin to enjoy some activities without thinking about smoking. Other activities are harder, like driving the car for a long time. I was used to vape while driving so I can feel the craving sometimes. Overall the physical pain of the first few days seem like a distant memory.
Day 31 - 12 Oct 2023
I don’t have any physical symptoms anymore, I can do many things without thinking about smoking, but at the end of the day I often think about it as a “reward” I would like to give myself for going through the day of work.